


baby, if you hold me (all of this will go away)

by maxverstappens



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: M/M, but it doesn't explicitly mention it, it skirts around it a lot and basically the focus is on dan!, it's about what happened at spa, okay yeah it's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-12 00:43:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20555408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxverstappens/pseuds/maxverstappens
Summary: Time slows down until it stops completely but Daniel’s hand still rests against Max’s cheek, he feels the skin there, how soft yet rough it feels under his fingers and how Max’s hair blows in the wind and slides across the tips of Daniel’s fingers reminding him that he’s here, that Max is right in front of him.or, Daniel returns home after a truly heartbreaking weekend.





	baby, if you hold me (all of this will go away)

**Author's Note:**

> god, I'm back, it's been a long time and I can only wish I was coming back with something that was lighter but, since last weekend I've been struggling to put my thoughts into words and I have a strange relationship with death and I always have and never have been able to deal with it, but, I finally was able to write something that might seem a little different to how I usually write but for me, I needed to write it

It’s been an awful fucking weekend. 

Daniel comes home late, later than he usually does, the exhaustion evident on his face as he struggles with his keys, sighing, stopping and trying again and successfully managing to unlock and push the door open this time. 

It’s relatively quiet, the sound of the TV floats across the apartment to the front door as Daniel steps inside and closes it gently, waiting for the soft click until he can drop his bags to the floor and look around, no lights are on and Max’s silhouette isn’t immediately visible. At first Daniel feels the familiar spike of panic in his veins until he hears a dull tapping against the hardwood floor. 

Max is sitting on the floor, he’s tapping a spoon against the floor as he keeps his line of sight trained straight ahead outside, he watches as much of the sky as he can see from where he’s positioned but whether he’s noticed that Daniel has come home or not remains to be confirmed. Daniel takes a cautious step closer, his frame lit up by the light coming from the TV but all Max does it continue to tap the spoon against the floor and stare straight ahead. He’s emotionless except for the few seconds when his face crumbles and he twists his lips into a deep frown. Daniel watches him on his own for a few seconds, fingers twisting into the cuffs of his hoodie as the spoon lifts off the ground ever so slightly before vibrating against the tile once more, the sound echoes around the apartment above everything else and he’s sure that Max has noticed he’s come home by now. 

The spoon clatters to the floor and causes not only Max to jump but Daniel to flinch as Max stares at him, wide-eyed and confused, as though Daniel is _ not _ supposed to be here. Daniel hesitates, Max can’t tear his eyes away from Daniel, dazed and puzzled and his fingers are trembling from where they’re sliding out of the sleeves of the sweatshirt he’s wearing. Max pulls his eyes away first, dropping his head and staring down at the floor, the sound of his breathing becoming heavier against the walls. Daniel’s frozen, he tries to put one foot in front of the other and engage his brain but he’s just like a fly on the wall, staring helplessly at Max and wanting to come up with the right words to comfort him but _ nothing. _Nothing comes to mind and it feels like a punch to the stomach. 

Max doesn’t lift his head for minutes but the nasally, shaking breathing from him doesn’t cease for even a second. Daniel leans against the wall, closes his eyes and lets them shoot open almost immediately afterwards, the crash still so vivid in his mind that it terrifies him down to his bones, his entire body shivering as he clenches his fists until fingers tremble with the pain of the nails digging into his palm. The sweat drips down Daniel’s neck until his eyes hurt with the mindless staring and the balcony looks more and more appealing with the stuffy tension, the unspoken words, the big questions that hang over their heads. Every step feels heavier than the last and Daniel breathes out a sigh of relief when his hand finally slides open the balcony door and he can step outside into the late night, the sky and the stars illuminating the world above him as he grasps the railing with all the strength he can muster. 

Untouched. The sky looks so pristinely beautiful, stars floating in the sky as the night draws ever darker, ten, twenty, maybe even fifty words come to Daniel in that moment but every word feels rougher than the last and he can barely swallow them down as he looks around. This time last week, he remembers how light he’d felt after weeks off, how relaxed and how for lack of a better word, _ happy _he felt with Max by his side- knowing that the both of them would be splitting off eventually but it feels like a hundred worlds away now. How less than seventy-two hours has flipped his world completely upside down, how after one of the toughest weekends mentally, how for the first time in a long time- Daniel didn’t care if he didn’t finish in the points, if he finished twentieth. How the only thing that mattered to him when he woke up this morning was that twenty drivers were going to line up on the grid and twenty drivers were still going to be there at the end of it. 

_ Max. _

Daniel’s stomach almost churns at the thought, in the darkest hours when Max has been sleeping, one hand splayed across Daniel’s chest and the other tucked underneath the pillow, when the insomnia has won over six or seven hours of sleep, Daniel’s mind has wandered and he’s met up with the devil and the heart-stopping thoughts of what _ could _happen but what hasn’t happened because Max has been right there, chest rising and falling as he sleeps against Daniel. 

Daniel doesn’t think about how his mind immediately ran to the worst when he heard about Max, after the previous twenty-four hours, nobody could have blamed him. Getting out of the car after the race had finished- it had been the biggest relief that Daniel had felt all weekend and seeing Max, if not just a little pissed off, it had felt like Daniel finally had the air back into his lungs. Everything that followed, his arms around Max’s shoulders, his hand in Max’s hair, Max’s arms around him, tightly holding Daniel close to him, the sound of their breathing and their chests aligning in a rhythm. All the fear had dissipated for just minutes as they held onto each other, nothing else in the fucking world mattered at that point except that they were, _ are, _both safe… and alive. Daniel’s hand slips on the railings as he tries to navigate his own thoughts, the crash renders it’s ugly appearance again, the thumping of blood in Daniel’s ears drowns out his worries and he flinches when he feels a hand on his back. 

Max stands beside him, watching him with worry and anxiety pooling in his eyes but his hand doesn’t move, Max’s fingers twisting in the back of Daniel’s hoodie as the pair stare at each other as though the other is a foreign object, pained and broken internally. Daniel lifts his hand and traces Max’s cheek, barely letting his fingers glide across the skin but Max doesn’t recoil from the touch. 

Time slows down until it stops completely but Daniel’s hand still rests against Max’s cheek, he feels the skin there, how soft yet rough it feels under his fingers and how Max’s hair blows in the wind and slides across the tips of Daniel’s fingers reminding him that he’s here, that Max is right in front of him. 

Daniel’s hand slowly falls to Max’s shoulder, squeezing it gently before his arm curls around his boyfriend and he slowly pulls Max to his chest and Max holds on _ so _tightly. His face against Daniel’s neck and his hands tightly wound into Daniel’s hoodie, they hold each other as though they’re going to disappear within a matter of seconds. Their heart rates spike and speed up and Daniel feels his legs start to buckle underneath him but he can’t let Max go. 

The kiss takes them both by surprise, it’s so unexpected when Daniel just holds Max’s face and kisses the air from his boyfriend’s lungs, their teeth clack at first but it’s desperate, a million and one feelings and words pouring out in those stolen minutes, Daniel’s chest aches and Max’s fingers are clenched so tightly that he can feel them cramping. Daniel breaks first and rests his forehead against Max’s, struggling to drag the oxygen back into his lungs, Max watches him carefully, a thousand wheels turning in his head before settling on two words that sound foreign falling from his lips,

“It’s okay.” 

It’s so far from okay. 

Those two words are all it takes for everything to spill over and become too much for Daniel. He doesn’t break down often but the raw sob that tears from the back of Daniel’s throat is enough for Max’s heart to break two times over as he struggles to keep them both standing upright with him eventually settling for both falling to the floor of the balcony with their backs against the railings as Daniel covers his face with his sleeves, his body rocking and shaking violently with every sob that rips from his throat. 

Max winces, only able to watch mournfully and miserably. Max swallows thickly as Daniel’s sobs dissolve and he’s sniffling, his face still hidden behind his hands. Max rests his hand against Daniel’s knee until he feels Daniel’s head hitting his shoulder and watches as Daniel’s hand comes up to cover Max’s. 

“I’m _ sorry. Fuck. Jesus.” _Daniel mutters, sniffling, his voice barely above a whisper, a cough pulls from the back of his throat as he moves away from Max and sits with a foot or so between them.

Daniel looks tiny compared to how he usually does, his hoodie swallows his entire frame as he curls his arms around himself and secludes himself from everything including Max and that’s when something inside Max snaps, he’s done this, hell, he’s renowned for pushing people away when things get too much and nine times out of ten Daniel is the one that Max is pushing away. Max isn’t about to let him do the same, not now, not after _ this _weekend.

Max moves so that he’s sitting in front of Daniel and curls his fingers around the back of his boyfriend’s neck and giving Daniel no other option but to meet Max’s eyes and Max shudders at the devastating pain that shines against how dull his eyes are at this precise moment.

“Don’t do this.” 

Daniel closes his eyes and drops his head, Max cradles Daniel’s face with his other hand and the cracked, high-pitched _ please _that follows is enough for Max’s heart to break when Daniel doesn’t respond to him. 

“Dan, don’t- don’t do this.” Max mutters, 

Daniel opens his eyes and they’re filled with unshed tears as Max pulls him to him, holding Daniel against him with everything that he can. He’s not articulate enough to talk Daniel down from this state of panic but god knows he’s going to try whatever he can. 

“I… was worried, you know?” Daniel tries and his voice is so raw, almost squeaky as he speaks, “after what happened on the first lap.” 

Max holds tighter, 

“I can’t lose you too, Jesus, Max, I _ can’t _ lose you too.” Daniel’s voice breaks against the _ can’t _and the damaging reality of what this sport can do to you hits Max like a truck, 

He’s become so numb to it over the years, sometimes barely even registering the dangers fully instead keeping them at the back of his mind but when something so heart wrenching like this happens- every single one of those fears come out to play and Daniel’s words hit Max so hard that he’s rendered completely speechless. 

He can’t say that Daniel won’t lose him, he can’t because he doesn’t know what the next race holds, he doesn’t know what can happen and as they’ve seen this weekend- the suddenness of it all, how everything can change in a split second out of seemingly nowhere. Max can’t promise Daniel that and he knows that Daniel can’t promise him it either. 

Daniel’s fingers thread through Max’s and he meets Max’s eyes and Daniel flips their hands so that their fingers are intertwined. Daniel drops his head back against the railings and stares up at the sky, a symbolic moment of reflection passes by and Daniel struggles to put everything in order with a retrospective point of view now that his weekend has ended and he’s still here, his heart is still beating and Max’s hand feels sweaty against his but with every beat and every movement of their joint hands, it’s a reminder that he’s alive. That they’re alive. 

Max moves so that he’s sitting beside Daniel again and Daniel drops his gaze to Max, carefully watching his face, every time that Max blinks and how Max’s lips are nearing a frown, 

“Baby-” Daniel mumbles, he moves closer and slides his arms around Max’s middle, he holds him close, desperate to feel Max’s heart underneath his ear. “I love you so fucking much,”

The _ I love you _he receives in response feels like the most important one yet.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr!](https://landonenorris.tumblr.com)


End file.
